Inner Voice -day 2 on the Camino de Santiago 2025

As a kid, I wanted to be fast. I wanted to be first. I had a whole lot of ideas about speed and the technique to develop more speed.

My metabolism was pretty quick. Let me tell you, I could polish off a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts for breakfast and be ready for seconds at the mid day meal. My mind worked like a freighter carrying the burden of discovery and adventure. I would sketch the thoughts I had digested into the creative arts of imagination that only those with age and experience could appreciate. I was living in  the dreamland of hope and desire.

I systematically began to bury my innocence deep in the  complexities of exposure. I got out there and I tried it, and I did it with speed, pure speed. The moments quickly passed. The seconds turned to minutes, the minutes into hours, the hours into days. Weeks, months, years flew past like the mythological water birds that I paint. I thought I was the predator, and as time continued I realized that I was the prey.

Now I pray. I also prayed back then but not with the slow intentional clearly spoken words that I now embrace. Now each utterance is with slow meticulous precision. I mean, I try.

When I was in high school one of my coaches introduced me to the idea of being “bigger, faster, stronger.” The concept stuck with me. I liked it a lot. I worked at the “bigger, faster, stronger” program like my very life depended on the intensity in which I embraced the program.

I got there first. I was the fastest and at the end of the day I had outpaced all my friends. I had left them behind. I had won the race. And there I stood, All Alone.

There is a reference to “when the last shall be first and first shall be last” in the song The Ghost of Tom Joad by Bruce Springsteen preformed by Rage Against the Machine. As a youth I did a lot of raging. And I did it in the spirit of reckless demand.

Back then I believed in demanding. I had a habit of asking leaders to explain their decisions, their actions and their motives. It was more than a simple, “why?” I was in the thick and the thin of creating change. I was creating a new reality. I was full of energy. Now I have the energy to sit and watch the boys on the pitch (the playing field) being coached by their overpaid managers.

Back then I never imagined a time would come when I would not be on the pitch.  Back then I had thoughts about what the pitch actually was. I thought the Church building was the pitch, the place where I would live and play my whole life. Then I realized that it is us, the people who are the church not the building or the deed holders.

Back then I really though that social justice was Biblical justice. Now I see clearly that the two ain’t at all the same. Heaven on earth don’t exist outside of your and my personal sphere of influence and I no longer want justice. I want mercy. God, I want mercy and a little Grace would also be nice.

Back then I thought that the ordained Biblical leaders were honest and sincere. Some are and I love those folks. I truly love them. The others are my enemies and I wish I could tell you that I loved them. I want to. I know Christ directed us to “love our enemies.” It’s hard. I want to. But I find it’s like having an affinity for vomit. How can anyone love their enemies? I’m gonna need a double portion of that mercy and grace.

Back then I was going from innocence to jaded, and I was going fast. And here I am all these years later. I am not purely jaded. I am hopeful. Although I see the hypocrisy. I want you to know that I see my own hypocrisy more than any other. I look in the mirror and I see that hypocrisy. It may seem like it is easier to look away but I am drawn to the mirror. Maybe it is simply vanity. Maybe I am just drawn with curiosity to the manner in which the mirrored image is slowing down.  Maybe the meditation and reflection have helped me to somewhat see what I have become. It is like the wreck about to happen from which one cannot look away. Oh these mirrors, the tears, the needless fears.

I don’t wanna be bigger, faster, stronger any longer. And that’s a good thing because I just ain’t. My mouth has a wicked tongue. I think there may just be wickedness in my heart too.  The reality is I am quick to jump into the dumpster diving game of eating the day old bagels and beignets of momentary self gratification. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever actually articulating the love of Christ. Do you see me here, neck deep in this midst of the this dumpster diving divulgence. If you do, please extend a little grace. I’m no longer running the race. I’m walking.

Yep, the days of running are over for me. The race finished a few years back. All I have now is this carbon guitar, the truth, a paint brush, some words and melody. And I know that ain’t all of it. I have the love that I am constantly receiving. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost love me. My wife loves me. My Brother loves me. My neighbor loves me. My friends love me. Some of my enemies love me. My dog loves me. And I am trying to love all of them back.

I remember hearing “walk this way” (Aerosmith) and thinking, “how should I walk?” But then I was so young and I just kept on running. Now I am forced to walk. The speed has gone. I’m walking and Christ is The Way.

So, why am I out here on the Camino? I’m too old for the BS. I’m too old for mind games and insincerity. That is why I am out here. Because I want to focus on honesty. The little bit of that which I know is real, that little bit which my mind has the ability to grasp. That is why I am doing this Camino. I am here wrestling with God and myself.

Yesterday we walked by the ocean, down and up the narrow streets. I guided the group in a wrong direction once. I allowed us to get split up. I got us back together. I got us back on course. And ya know what ? It was NOT ME at all. I am in the spirit world and these are my PALs (yes this entire paragraph is a nod to the metaphorical remembrance of the 1988 movie Young Guns with Emilio Estavez) -((I mean it was actually his movie The Way that got me into motion again. The movie that inspired many of us to walk The Way of St James. WATCH THE MOVIE))

I am having fun. It seems like the group is having fun. (There was a moment, a brief moment when I thought about punching an Italian dude for his political nonsense crack- imagine me not impressed with politics or anyone’s opinion about politics)

The inner voice pushes me:

“Listen Matt, hear the Holy Ghost. Close your eyes and see the Spirit. Follow God with your whole heart. Run with all your emotional and spiritual being to those moments of worship. Taste and feel all that God has provided. Find the ontological value. Be the change. Experiment the grace. Give the mercy. Hope for the best in everyone. Sing till your soul is dancing. Dream boy, dream, dream, and stay in the Spirit world.”

I hear that voice and I am listening. I know I have slowed down. Time is out pacing me yet I have peace that I never had before. See, I am in the spirit world and Grace is the new law. Grace and Mercy are prominent in the rule of this current and yet to come βασιλεία (Kingdom).

Love y’all. Thank you for making it this far in the read. I know I may be rambling on. I know I’m a mess. Many say, “I’m with you.” I know they are. I am not alone now, nor will I be at that final finish line. I am excited about this Camino. I’m excited about future shows. The first of which will be 9 May in Niceville Florida a private invite party (want an invite contact me at nerfability@gmail.com). We still have room. The second will be a series of shows in and around Austin Texas with Emily Grace Clark from the 15-18 of May. I will post a schedule on Vet Church starting May 3.